Can You Really Self-Soothe? Or Do You Need Connection?
Published: 01 April 2026 | The Healing Rebel Podcast, Episode 244
“Safety isn’t the absence of threat. It’s the presence of true connection.”
That single sentence has been running through my mind for a week. And this episode is me thinking out loud about what it actually means.
I’m Jen Wilson, The Healing Rebel, and today I’m exploring the tension between self-soothing, self-regulation, and the idea that we genuinely need other humans in our lives to come back to ourselves.
Listen on your favourite platform: [Spotify] [Apple Podcasts] [Amazon Music]
What this episode is about
The conversation started when I heard someone say that self-soothing doesn’t really work. That you need to be in connection with other people, in community, to soothe and regulate properly.
My honest response was: yes, and.
Because there’s nuance here. There’s a level of self-responsibility we need to take. And there’s a time and place where you absolutely need other humans around you. The answer depends on where you are on your journey, what skills you’ve already built, and what’s available to you in the moment.
This is a thinking-out-loud episode rather than a polished one. I want to know what you think when you’ve listened.
The wellness industry’s love affair with self-regulation
There’s a lot of talk in the wellbeing world about being able to self-regulate, self-soothe, do it all yourself. Be the strong, independent woman who can manage her own nervous system without anyone else.
That’s not wrong. It’s just incomplete.
What I think the person who triggered this whole conversation was pointing at is that if you’ve never been able to soothe yourself, if you’ve never had your nervous system regulated by someone safe in your life, you can’t just decide to do it on your own from a standing start. You need support first. You need safe humans to learn it with.
The skill of self-soothing comes out of the experience of being soothed by others. Babies don’t learn to regulate themselves in a vacuum. They learn it through co-regulation with a caregiver. That’s how the nervous system gets wired in the first place.
If that wiring didn’t happen properly for you, telling yourself to “just self-soothe” is like telling someone who never learned to swim to just relax in the deep end.
Why both are true
When I’m in crisis, when I’m genuinely struggling, I need connection. I need to be with people who feel safe, who can hold space, who can mirror back something steadier than what’s going on in my head. That’s not weakness. That’s how nervous systems work.
But I’ve also done enough work over the years to have built a relationship with myself. So when I’m at home alone and I start to feel dysregulated, I have tools.
I have my drum. Some days playing it makes me feel great. Some days it doesn’t. I have my blanket. I’ll wrap myself up in it sometimes. I’ll lie on the floor and do my fascia work. I’ll make a smoothie. None of this is dramatic. It’s just me taking responsibility for the small things I can do for myself when I’m on my own.
Both things are true at once. I need community. I also need to know how to look after myself between visits with that community.
When self-soothing techniques actually make it worse
I’ve been on workshops where the facilitator has told the whole room to “give yourself a hug” because it’s so soothing.
For me, it isn’t. It makes me feel itchy and agitated and like I want to climb out of my own skin. Self-stroking, the kind suggested in some classic mindful self-compassion practices, has the same effect. It feels restricting rather than calming.
Wrap me in a heavy blanket, though, and I’m a different woman.
This is the bit nobody tells you. Self-soothing techniques aren’t universal. What soothes one person’s nervous system can wind up another’s. There’s no single right answer.
You have to actually pay attention to your own body and notice what brings you back versus what makes you feel worse. That observation, made over time and with curiosity, is the work. Not following someone else’s prescription.
In her book on mindful self-compassion, Kristin Neff talks about finding the things that actually work for you. Singing, whistling, drumming, touch, walking, whatever lands. The technique matters less than whether your specific nervous system responds to it.
Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely
There’s a real difference between solitude and loneliness, and we don’t talk about it enough.
You can be the loneliest person in a packed room if you’re not connected to the people in it, or to yourself. You can be deeply settled and content in a house on your own if you’ve built a good relationship with yourself.
Some of the work of nervous system regulation is learning to be comfortable in your own company. To not need external stimulation, external validation, external company every minute of the day. To sit with yourself and find that you’re decent company.
That doesn’t mean you don’t need other people. It means you stop relying on them to regulate you every time you have a feeling.
Why talking it through with another human matters
Even now, recording this podcast, I’m doing something I find genuinely useful. I’m having a conversation with nobody, into the ether, as I record. And as I hear words come out of my mouth, I sometimes catch myself thinking, hang on, is that actually what I think? Is that how I feel about this?
One of my business coaches talks about how important it is to talk your ideas through with other people. When you only run your own narrative inside your own head, it’s hard to spot where it doesn’t make sense, where you’re missing something, or where you’ve assumed something that isn’t true.
This is the argument against doing all your processing alone with AI tools too. AI will give you back a version of what you’ve asked it. It’s a useful sounding board for structuring sentences, but it can’t push back on you the way a human can. It can’t catch the thing you didn’t realise you’d left out.
I use AI for some of my social media and website content because I’ve been doing this for 16 years and I’ve never been brilliant at the sales structure part. If a tool can help me arrange a sentence so it actually communicates what I mean, great. But when I want to genuinely think through an idea, I need a human. Ideally one who shares enough cultural context with me that I don’t have to explain every nuance.
Cultural nuance and how we communicate
Speaking of which: language carries culture. I’m a Glasgow woman talking to other Glasgow women, and there’s a shorthand, a tone, a directness that lands a particular way here.
If I say the same sentence to someone in London, in Australia, or in America, it might land completely differently. They might find it offensive. They might not understand what I mean. They might think I’m being dramatic when I’m actually being matter-of-fact.
The person who originally said the line about safety and connection was American. And I wonder how much of my “yes, and” response is cultural. There’s a different relationship with self-reliance, community, and independence depending on where you grew up. Both can be valid. They’re just different.
This matters when you’re picking who you co-regulate with. Find people who get your shorthand. Find people who don’t need you to over-explain. That’s part of what makes a community feel safe.
How to start, wherever you are
If you’ve never been good at self-soothing, start small.
Pay attention. Notice what your body actually responds to. Try the heavy blanket. Try the cold water. Try the walk. Try the drum. Try lying on the floor. Try breathing slowly. Try singing in the car. Notice which ones leave you feeling more settled and which ones leave you feeling more wound up.
If you don’t have a community of safe people, start building one. One person counts. Find someone you can be honest with, who doesn’t need you to perform, who lets you take up space without taking from you.
And remember the original line: safety isn’t the absence of threat. It’s the presence of true connection. That connection can be with another person. It can also be with yourself.
Both matter. Both are the work.
Frequently asked questions
What’s the difference between self-regulation and co-regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to bring your own nervous system back to a settled state on your own. Co-regulation is using the presence of a safe other person to help your nervous system settle. Both are valid and both have their place. Most of us need a mix of both.
Can you regulate your nervous system on your own?
Yes, particularly if you’ve built up skills and self-awareness over time. But it’s harder if you’ve never had your nervous system regulated by safe others, and in moments of genuine crisis, most of us need human connection rather than solo techniques.
Why doesn’t self-soothing work for everyone?
Self-soothing techniques aren’t universal. What calms one person’s nervous system can agitate another’s. Self-hugging, for example, feels soothing to some people and restricting to others. The work is finding what actually works for your specific body, not following someone else’s prescription.
How do you know when you need community versus when you need solitude?
Check in honestly with yourself. If being alone feels grounding, restorative, and chosen, you probably need the solitude. If being alone feels heavy, isolating, or like avoidance, you probably need connection. The signal is in the body, not in the rule book.
What are some practical ways to self-soothe that actually work?
Common ones that work for many people include weighted blankets, breathwork, slow walks, lying on the floor, drumming, humming or singing, cold water on the face or wrists, fascia work, and being in nature. The right one for you is the one your body responds to. Try things and pay attention.
Is it bad to use AI to think things through?
AI can be a useful tool for structuring ideas, drafting content, and getting started on something. It can’t replace the kind of thinking you do out loud with another human, where the conversation pushes back on you and reveals things you didn’t see. Both have their place.
Want to start with something simple?
Download my free Lymphatic Drainage Self-Care Routine. It’s a gentle, guided way to start touching your own body with awareness, supporting your nervous system, and building a daily moment of care for yourself.
[Download the free routine here]
Come in for a treatment
If you’re in or around Glasgow and you’d like to experience this kind of work in person, I offer treatments from my private home studio in Springburn, North Glasgow.
[The Reset (90 minutes, £85)] | [The Recalibration (3 hours, £197)] | [Check my other treatments here]
Related episodes
- [Link to “Eldest Daughter Syndrome and Why Firstborn Daughters Burn Out”]
- [Link to “What I’ve Unlearned After 24 Years in the Wellness Industry”]
- [Link to “Can Fascia Release Really Heal Your Trauma?”] (once published)
About Jen:
Jen Wilson is The Healing Rebel, a holistic wellness practitioner with over 15 years in practice, supporting capable, responsible women over 40 who give to everyone and struggle to receive. Working from her private home studio in Springburn, North Glasgow, Jen offers The Reset, The Recalibration, Manual Lymphatic Drainage, Therapeutic Fascia Massage, Menopause Massage, Reiki, Reiki Drumming, and Sound Healing, plus online classes and an on-demand subscription library.
Find out more at iamjenwilson.com
Full episode transcript
(0:02) When I heard somebody say this, it really made every sale in my body came a tingle. It was one of those, oh, interesting. This has got me thinking that actually it was a week ago.
We could go have been this statement has been meandering through my mind. And I want to discuss it a bit further. I am Jen Nelson, the healing devil.
Welcome to this podcast. If you’re new here. (0:29) Thank you for joining me.
If you have a written list, welcome back. And do all this, subscribe and like and share, blah, blah, to help the algorithm. We’d greatly appreciate that.
So that person had gone on to talk about how self-shooting and self-regulation doesn’t work. That you need to be in community. You need to be in connection with other people to be able to be able to regulate.
And I thought, yes, and depends where you are. (1:03) On your journey depends the circumstances. It depends on a whole lot of factors because there are times where we do need to know how to sell ourselves.
We do need to know how to regulate ourselves. (1:20) We do need that self-responsibility. But also, we need other people around us that can help us.
(1:33) Whether that’s unpick these thoughts, I then went into a couple of different group chats that I’m in and said, what do you think about this? (1:42) And I’ve had some interesting conversations and I’m now bringing this here to you. I would love to know what your thoughts on this are. (1:52) Because when I am in crisis or really struggling, then yes, I do need connection or community with somebody else to help me regulate.
(2:08) When I go into the right kind of environments and groups, does that help quickly, efficiently, without thought? Yes, it does. (2:21) But also, I have enough connection with myself and this might be where maybe this is a nuanced language because they were American saying this and I’m coming from a Scottish approach. (2:34) And maybe it’s different culturally, I don’t know.
(2:41) But there is a level of self-responsibility that we need to take to help us through ourselves and to regulate ourselves. (2:52) If you’re in the wrong environment, you need to be able to go, I’m in the wrong environment. (3:09) If you are by yourself, you know, being alone doesn’t mean that you’re lonely, you can be the loneliest person in a huge crowd.
(3:19) When you are on your own physically, if you have a good connection with yourself and you start to feel disregulated, how do you soothe? (3:28) I have my drum here. I know that if I play my drum, some days I’ll make me feel great, some days I won’t. (3:34) I also have my blanket and I like to wrap myself up in that sometimes.
I will lie down on the floor and do my facial work. (3:44) I will have my smoothie. All of these things to me are me taking self-responsibility to self-soothe, to self-regulate to all the other self-things that there’s a lot of talk in the wellbeing industry of this is the aim to be aimed at.
(4:04) You need to be able to self-regulate self-soothe, etc. Or people will say, you just need to do. (4:14) And I think what this idea was pointing out was, you need to support the earth first.
(4:23) The hope you get to that place. If you have never been able to regulate yourself, if you’ve never been able to soothe yourself, you need a safe and true community to help you get there. (4:34) But also, how do you learn how to do that for yourself? (4:41) One thing that I do not like, and I have been on workshops where people are like, have yourself a heart to do this.
(4:47) This is so soothing. I think that really restricts them. (4:51) Now, I love having a blanket and swaddle then, tap blanket.
Doing this does not feel nice for me at all. (5:01) It makes me feel really agitated. And I’m just in real time having this thought.
(5:08) I don’t know if I’m agitated because somebody’s telling me that this is going to suit me. (5:15) Although I did go all over to the content you see on the bookshelf, Kirsten Neerf’s book on mindful self-compassion. (5:26) And that there was a lot of self-stroking to help soothe again.
(5:34) It makes me feel itchy. That doesn’t feel nice. (5:39) But also, Kirsten, Kirsten’s book, she goes on to talk about finding the things that help you.
(5:44) So whatever that is, is it singing, is it whistling, is it drumming, touching yourself, whatever? (5:52) How do you do that? (5:55) But you might need to recognise that you need to go externally for some help and support first. (6:04) The pain’s what’s happening. The pain’s who you are and where you are on your path and on your journey.
(6:10) I have been doing personal development and self-help. That’s the one I couldn’t remember. (6:14) Self-help.
Like, a lot of the time we can’t help ourselves. (6:20) We need to have an external person to mow over their thoughts. (6:24) Like, I’m doing this now in real time on the podcast.
(6:27) I’m having a conversation with nobody into the ether as I record this. (6:34) However, as I hear words coming out my mouth, I go, oh, hang on a minute. (6:38) Is that actually what I think? Oh, is that actually how I feel about this or other thoughts will come in? (6:45) One of my business coaches talks about how it’s really good to talk through your ideas with other people (6:52) because when you’re only running your own narrative and your head, it’s really difficult to see where people are not understanding your message (6:59) or not getting the meaning of things.
(7:04) And this is where the argument against using AI can come in because AI will give you back a regurgitated version of what you’ve asked it. (7:19) And it’s very specific. For example, I use AI to help me write some of my social media content and my website content, (7:29) especially when it’s targeted for sales stuff because I’ve been doing this for 16 years and never been good at it.
(7:36) Why do I think I’m all of a sudden going to be good at it now? (7:38) If I can use an external tool to structure the sentence slightly and go, oh, yeah, that makes so much more sense now. (7:45) I’ve seen it that way. (7:45) But there are sometimes I’ll get the information and because it’s a computer and it feeds it back, (7:51) I’m like, that is not what I meant by that because I haven’t been explicit in what I said.
(7:56) It is when you have a conversation with a human being, that conversation is an easier to tease out. (8:06) Basically, if it’s somebody who’s from the same nuanced culture as you. (8:10) So if I’m speaking to a fellow Quads region and I see certain things, it will be taken a particular way.
(8:18) If I see the same sentence to somebody who’s maybe from London or Australia or from America, (8:24) they might be like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. (8:27) Or I think that they’re the offensive because of cultural differences even in the same language. (8:35) I think I feel like I’ve gone off in a completely random tangent there, lost my train of thought, (8:42) but that’s just where my brain is working this week.
(8:45) Anyway, coming back to the self-compassion, self-regulation. (8:52) How did you feel about it? (8:54) That is a question for you, the listener. (8:57) When I said that first statement, that safety isn’t the absence of threat.
(9:02) It’s the presence of true connection. (9:04) How did that make you feel what thoughts came into your mind? (9:10) Did you get a physical response? (9:13) From that, did it feel like, yeah, or absolutely not. (9:18) I would love, I would really love this to be a conversation to explore this further.
(9:24) I’m going to stop here because I could ramble on about completely irrelevant random things (9:31) about nuances in language. (9:33) I don’t need to go there today. (9:35) It would be good to have that conversation.
(9:37) So, whenever you’re listening to this, put your thoughts into the comments. (9:42) Let me know what you think. (9:44) Otherwise, I will see you on the next broadcast.
